Fathers in the Home: The Impact and Importance

0:00 Hello, world, and welcome to another episode of The Kickback. I am your host, The Dude, and we are here to inform you and let you know about what's going on with the world and what's going on with men today. Today, we have a special topic that we're doing, and it impacts the world, all over of the world because today's topic is fathers in the home and the impact it has on the world today. So we are here, we're going to talk about it, and we're going to dive deep into a conversation about the world today and the impact that fathers have on the world and what it's like growing up with a father and what it's like growing up without a father, and we're going to have a great, great discussion.

0:56 So if you're here and you can hear me, leave a comment. Let us know what you think about the show. And all we ask, we don't care who you love, what color you stand for, what particular party you stand for. We just ask that there is no racism. No racism whatsoever is tolerated here at The Kickback. Once again, I am your host, The Dude. So today we are talking to fathers in the home and the impact it has on the world. Welcome to The Kickback, my co-host, David. David, how are you doing today, my brother?

1:38 I am doing spectacular, my brother. How about yourself? I'm doing well, man. and went today to see my orthopedic specialist, and he gave me some great news. He said I was moving in the right direction. How about you? What do you have going on today? Man, you know what I did today. What do you think I did? Play pickleball. What you said? Pickleball. Pickleball. That's it, man. David is a pickleball hero. Plays pickleball. I don't know about hero, but. In the life of retirement, man.

2:19 You are the pickleball hero. All right, I'll leave that alone. But I'd love to get everybody out there, man. You'd love to get us all out there? Oh, yes, sir. Welcome to the room, Mr. Mark. How are you today, Mark? I'm doing all right, and you? I'm doing wonderful, wonderful. How's your day been? in? It's been, you know, trying to catch up on a lot of work that I didn't get to get done in the last couple of years due to injury. Okay. Okay. Okay. And if you don't mind, what sort of injury? Hip replacement. Military.

3:02 It seems that we all got something going on except the superhero David. David is in perfect health, man. I'd love to have just a shot of whatever it is that he has, man. Let me hurry up and find some wood around here. He said let you find some weed. Wood. Wood. Not weed. Wood. I know, I know. It came out totally wrong. It came out totally wrong, fellas. Please forgive me. Please forgive me. That is not what I was intending on saying.

3:43 It was wood. Wood. Yes, sir. Home with my father. being there. So, David, did you grow up with a father? I grew up with the anti-father. I had a stepfather that I called the anti-father because everything he said and did was wrong.

4:33 It was like the flip side of reality. And he was a negative influence on my life, but I was blessed to be be able to see the negativity and not go in that direction and try to do the positive thing, mark what about you did you grow up with your father in the home oh i don't know depending on how you look at it, he was he was my dad was in the military so and he was a submariner meaning um, I know David know what it means, but he was in the submarines for 22 years. So he was going a lot.

5:17 So when he got, but when he came home, he came home and he was in my life. I was the first son. I was his first son and he treated me a lot different than he treated the rest of my siblings. Okay. Okay. Understandable that. See, I'm the firstborn and life is, life was totally different for me being the first woman as well. My mother tended to lean on me a lot more than, you know, my brothers. She tended to lean on me a lot more than she did my brothers. And still to this day, she still leans on me a lot more. And she's married. And it is the impact of what came from it has, if I can say, in certain areas, it handicapped me and in certain areas, it made me stronger.

6:13 Now, David, you grew up with the antiphather. What impact did that have on your life? Right. Like I said, I think God blessed me with an ability to see the proper path and the things that he wanted me to do. He was a very he was an uneducated man. He only had a sixth grade education. So the only thing he knew was labor. And growing up in the 60s and early 70s, he was everyday labor. I mean, he worked at a chicken factory. He worked at a carpentry shop. And because of his lack of education He was pushing brooms and doing whatever They told him to do, just a clean up guy And he wanted to follow that path, But my mother wanted Better for me and I wanted better for me And although he You know how when you tell your.

7:02 Older children and your teenagers Don't do something and it makes them Want to do it even more So when he discouraged me from Becoming better or having, Aspirations to go to college that pushed me in that direction to even do it even the more. Okay. And so some people, some people become that person, right? Yeah. What do you mean? What do you mean? They follow that example. Oh, the general labor that the father, the father is doing it. The child will do it as well. Yes. Right. That's what I mean. That some some children follow the same path as their parents, because as I always explain, growing up a man and a woman, i.e.

7:46 Your parents are the first examples of adults that you have in this life. So, who else? I mean, some people have aunts and uncles and other relatives that are great people and they mimic them and they realize early on in life that their parent is not a good example. But more times than a few, children follow the path, the same path that their parents did. If a man beats a woman, then a son thinks it's OK. And if a woman doesn't treat a man well, then her daughter, nine times out of 10, thinks it's OK to disrespect men. Mm hmm. I totally agree. Yeah, I totally agree.

8:30 Let me clear something up. I might have got some confusion here. I'm not the first. Child i'm the first son my i have two older sisters right right and exactly what you experienced what you you know your your experience is being the elder eldest child my i've had that conversation with my eldest sister because my my father wasn't around because of his because of his job his occupation and uh my my mom leaned on my sister a lot as well and she feels she made that same comment that you made earlier about how she felt like she missed out on some things that kind of handicapped her, especially amongst her peers.

9:14 They were out doing things and she was watching us. My dad was overseas and my mom was, she was raising us. You know, to this day, you know, she's like, hey, you know, I didn't get to experience a lot of things as a child that, you know, because I was placed in a more authoritarian, you know, type role, you know, figure, you know, because it was six of us. So she had, you know, she was making sure that we were doing things around the house. So my mom, you know, black family, you know, hey, I'm not going to come home and cook when I got here to the house. So one of those type atmospheres. And so, you know, we, you know, she felt the same way as you.

9:57 So I do understand that situation. I don't personally understand. I've seen it. I can't say that I really, I haven't experienced it. I just lived through it. But my sister, she actually experienced it. So I do, I can relate to, you know, your feeling on, you know, how you thought you were handicapped. Right. I'd like to welcome to the panel, Mr. Richard Johnson. No, Jordan. Jordan! My bad, my bad, Mr. Jordan. Richard Jordan, how are you today, sir? Hello, Mr. Jordan, how are you today? Good, I'm here. I just had a call that came in and I just cleared it. Go ahead.

10:40 Alrighty. My name is The Dude. I am the host of The Kickback. Welcome to The Kickback. This is a place for brothers to come and have open conversations about life, health, and whatever. The only contingent we ask is there is no racism of any form or fashion, but we'd like to welcome to the panel. And today's topic is fathers in the home and the impact that it has on the world. How was your relationship with your father? Well, my relationship with my father was, you know, majority of my life, he wasn't in the home. him. I saw him on weekends, that kind of situation.

11:21 You know, he was in there a lot of times when I needed him. I needed his advice, you know. So that made it tough. My mom married my stepfather when I was just starting high school, so things were better at that point. Wow. Okay. Okay. And so what kind of man was your stepfather? He's a good man. was, you know, he had served in the Korean War. He worked, he was a technician in the OR, an operating room. He worked in the MASH unit. So, but he was, you know, very intelligent. You know, he taught me, you know, a lot of different things about life, and we played games together, and he was a good guy.

12:03 Cool, cool, cool. Do you mind asking if you still have relationships with him? Oh, I didn't until he passed away. Oh, you did. I didn't until he passed away. I'm sorry. That's good. I'm sorry to hear that he passed away. Yeah, yeah. I appreciate it. Hey, man, nothing in this world is forever. We love him, but we have to let him go and let God, Let them be with our God, Lord, and Savior. We love them. We love them. We love them. Love them while they're here. Love on your kids and your family while they're here. David. Amen. Amen. How is the relationship you have with your children, son? How many kids do you have?

12:44 I've got two sons and a daughter. Okay. And how is the relationship with them? A couple of stepson. son. Relationships with all but one are pretty strong. There's always that one that I would call him the pioneer, the explorer. He's still out there searching, trying to find what it is he thinks he's looking for. I don't really have much conversation with him, but the other four, we are always in touch. Matter of fact, I just talked to a couple of them today. I also have a strong connection with my grandchildren as well. Yeah. Well, it's definitely important. We have there's there's tons of research and I really, you know, with all of the research that's been going on from social science standpoint, we really think this this initial conversation is going to spark a follow up episode where we can come back with some facts and figures, stuff we can put on the Web site so that other listeners can go back and do some research. Mr.

13:43 Oh, you know, as the host, I've done some research on this particular subject. And here's what I have for today. Just a tad bit. It says the presence of a father in a home can significantly impact on, has a significant impact on men today and various aspects of their life. Research shows that positive father involvement contributes to to better emotional regulations, higher self-esteem and better and an improvement in academics and social outcomes when it comes to young men.

14:27 And it also says fathers often model behaviors and value and influence in their son approaching relationships, work, and personal responsibilities. So what do you guys think about that? I mean, I agree with all of that, but I know back in 2008 when newly elected President Obama got in on his Father's Day speech, he was speaking about more than half of the black children live in single parent households and in children that grow up without a father. They're five times more likely to live in poverty, commit crime. They're nine times more likely to drop out of school and 20 times more likely to end up in prison.

15:08 There's a higher degree of behavioral problems lots of them run away from home and they also become teenage parents themselves so you know having having that the father is almost like the governor or the regulator you know if you have a good father in the home he puts out. Good information that we can glean from as children as teenagers you know kids are always going to push the limit but when they can see a good example when they make a mistake and then And they know that the example is doing well. Chances are they're going to have an easy path to self-correction. But when you don't have that governor in the home, just like any any vehicle, if it didn't have controls to prevent it from going awry.

15:51 Then your vehicle is going to break down. I mean, when I was in the military, we had these things called cushionings. You used the little vehicles you drive around the base. And they had a governor on that. No matter how hard you press on that pedal, it's only doing 30 miles an hour. You cannot exceed 30 miles an hour. That governor keeps you from tipping that thing over. You take that governor off, man, you got guys killing themselves in cushioning. Right. So you think that having do you think that having a father in the home versus having a mother that's just as strong as a father? How do you because some people say my mother was the strongest man I've known.

16:34 And some people say, you know, I didn't need my father. My mother was everything to me. Mother can be everything to you, but mama can't teach me how to be a man because mama doesn't know what manhood is. Mama can love me. My mother personally, I had a drill sergeant for a mother. She did not hug me. She did not kiss me. She was not a loving mother. She was a boot camp mother. She was a kind of bust your door open at 5.30 in the morning with the trash can and the baton waking you up out of bed, flipping your bunk over. How come I can't bounce a quarter on this bed? You know, she was the one that said, you know, your your education is your education. If you don't get it, don't come ask me nothing.

17:17 She she was a hard motivator. I know she loved me, but based on her circumstances, she wasn't given the love that she needed as a woman to be able to pass that on to me. So what she got, I got. But she was she was very intelligent. She was driven. She was smart with her money. And that's what she taught me to be. But no matter how much she loved me, she doesn't know what being a man is like. And I don't believe a woman can teach manhood issues. A man has to get that from another man. Let's see me honest, being transparent and being this is a place for brothers. I grew up in a single parent home with my mother and being at my age in my mid 40s.

18:01 For a long time, I struggled with being a father. I have three daughters biologically, but I have five children in all. And growing up, being a fatherless father was very hard because there were a lot of lessons that my mother couldn't teach me that my father could have taught me. I'm pretty sure of. But I didn't know any better and I didn't know any different. And the two men that I had in my life were my two grandfathers, my mother's father and the man that my grandmother married. And they both wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful men. But they were both flawed.

18:43 And I took both of their flaws and made it into one person and thought that that was the way life was supposed to be. You go home, you go to work, you work all day long. On Friday, you play a little bit. You know, you might have your little woman on the side or whatever, but you take care of family and you do what you're supposed to. You take care of them children. You make sure the bills are paid. And as time went on and I noticed that there was no satisfaction in that and I kept coming up with the same outcome in the situation, I noticed that something's wrong. Something's wrong.

19:26 And still to this day, I struggle with a few things. Being a husband. Now, I don't live that same lifestyle that I used to live anymore. God has brought me a long way and has changed my way of thinking and has changed my mind. And I no longer want to live that lifestyle because to me, that lifestyle was tiresome and it was not fulfilling whatsoever. But growing up without my father was, in all words, shitty. It was very shitty. It was very shitty because he would pop into my life. Hey, he's a pair of shoes. Hey, he's a bicycle. Hey, how you doing? Hey, hello. What's going on?

20:10 And I think it hindered me in certain areas because I still have some insecurities and I still have some things that I feel like if I would have had a father to usher me into manhood, I think I wouldn't have the problems that I have in life. That's a good point. Right. I got a question. I got a question for you there, Joe. Do you, you know, I'm around David's age, grew up in the, you know, in the 60s. I call myself, you know, I call my parents, you know, the first products of the Civil Rights Bill or the Civil Rights Act, being enacted, being signed into legislation.

21:00 And I feel at times, this is just my personal belief, it was like this bondage was kind of raised and they, you know, it was no more, you know, white fountain, black fountain, white bathroom, white restroom, black bathroom. They were all considered, you know, integrated, you know. And they Seemed like it was Something. You know, when you're let out of something, you're free to do something that you weren't able to do yesterday, that you can go out and do it today and you just get lost in that excitement. Yes. And you start losing, you know, and because that's how I feel, you know, well, I can't really say like you feel because my dad, he, you know, when he did get home from service, when he retired, he was there.

21:50 But, you know, you can still see that freedom, you know, that from where he had been to where he was now, you know, as progress for, you know, for, you know, Black people, you know, with moving forward. You know, I think I want to say that that could have been a in my in my from what I see for my parents, my dad, it was more like that because, you know, he was he was there and he treated me different from all of them. He would take me places and I discuss this with my siblings now.

22:32 I'm like, yeah, you know, I went here. My dad, you know, dad took me here. Dad took me there, you know, and they were like, oh, I didn't know. He would wake me up at 2 o'clock in the morning Hey, let's go to Seattle Let's go to Oakland, let's go to Louisiana You know, just me and him. So I have a different view than my siblings because of the way my dad was treated by his dad. Right. So, I mean, let me give you a little more context about who my father was. He was a military man who his mother left him and his siblings. And I get what you're going to. So that's why I'm giving I'm giving this this backstory. He was when he was two years old, his mother left him.

23:16 And his siblings in the house and disappeared and nobody knows whatever happened to his mom. His grandfather found him and his siblings in the home by themselves, you know, in deplorable conditions. Well, he got all of his grandchildren, moved them here. They were from where in Nashville. I'm in Nashville, Tennessee. My father's from Louisville, Kentucky. And my grandfather moved all all of his grandchildren down here to Nashville. And my father grew up with his grand grandparents. And then he stayed with cousins and aunts and all of those things and graduated from high school, him and my mom at the same time. Then he went off to the army.

24:02 And when he went off to the army, he is the kicker. And maybe this and he's he's dead and gone now. But still, as a kid, I still I still to this day don't understand how or why in certain aspects things happen. But every time he came home from leave, he would make babies, not a baby, but babies. Like the year I was born, there's three of us. Three years before that, it's three of them. Three years behind me and my three is three of them. Two years behind those children, it's three of them. And then it's two and two and then one.

24:48 So I've got about 15, 16 siblings. But out of those 15, 16 siblings, I am the only one by my mother. These other women let him skip trace and keep coming back and keep coming back and keep coming back and making babies. And so in my mind, I've put together all these theories and all these different things on, you know, listening to my mother. And she's like, well, I asked him to do simple things for you and he wasn't inclined to do those simple things for you. So I just basically told him that he could kiss your ass and kiss my ass and I didn't need anything from him.

25:29 And that that's the reason why he didn't do certain things for me. Now, when my father died back in 2012, we had his funeral. And when I say I showed up and I was like, OK, who is that? And who is that? Because I only knew of three of my siblings. Only I only knew of three of my siblings. And we get there. I get to the funeral and I see the three siblings that I do know. And I'm like, hey, who is that? And she's like, that's your sister. And who is that? That's your brother. And who is that? Oh, that's Didi. Me and Didi went to middle school together.

26:12 Oh, Didi's your sister. Are you serious? Yes. I never knew. I never knew that I had went to middle school with my sister and then went to high school with my oldest sibling, my oldest brother. I never knew until my father died. Wow. That's a story. Hey, Rick. Yeah. Hey, you want you want to pick up from that where he just left off? Well you know what the similarity i have is i grew up in brooklyn and i went to is246 walt whitman as intermediate school and i didn't find out that until eighth grade that i was in school those three years of my sister and when we graduated from is246 he took us there to dinner at downtown and, you know, it's just crazy.

27:14 We wanted to graduate together, same age, same year, same school, didn't know until eighth grade. So six and seven, I mean, I could have, I don't know, I could have actually dated her, you know, even being that young, you know, holding hands. That's what happened with me and my sister. That's what happened, but like you said, it was just holding hands, it wasn't anything, More than that, but yeah, I get what you're saying with that part It is, it's astounding and amazing That these junks, yeah, that would have been bad. Right, I don't, I don't, I don't know You okay?

27:55 Hello, can you hear me? Yeah, we got you You make sure you're okay, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm okay, I'm alright It's amazing and astounding how life was for our fathers and how they lived. We're able to hide, hide all of that. Hey, Joe. Yes. So let me pick up where Rick left off, where Richard left off. OK. You know, I was born in Brooklyn, too, right? Yes, sir. Yep. And I got out of Brooklyn in 1966 and I resurfaced in 19.

28:36 Well, I will come back in the summertime. Mainly, I will stay with my mother's people. But when I turned 13, I got the opportunity to meet my actual father. And it turns out that. And yeah, and the sister he's talking about, that's that's my sister. And we have another sister. So my sister, Vanessa, her birthday, we call Vanessa and I call each other the Wonder Twins. You remember that cartoon, the Wonder Twins, Wonder Twin Power Activate? Yes, yes, yes. I remember the Wonder Twins. Yeah, we're the Wonder Twins. It's a wonder we made it. Her mother and my mother Were bumping bellies arguing over Our father Her birthday is July 22nd My birthday is August 13th, same year Our sister, Poochie Her birthday is April 1st And then Ricky's birthday is October 1st So all within that time frame There's four of us Wow.

29:34 And that's not it That ain't the end of the story I'm pretty sure that's not the end of the story. I'm pretty sure that's not the end of the story. This sums it up. My first 45 that I bought and played on my Close and Play record. Anybody else have a Close and Play little record? Yes. My first 45 was The Temptations, Papa Was a Rolling Stone. I was living with my single mother. It sounds like we have Simular stories Mark, you said you grew up Father in the house You're the oldest boy, Hearing stories like this What does it make you think About your upbringing? Lucky.

30:28 Because this is not the first time I've had conversations Because I used to I struggle sometimes with, you know, with issues. And I would call one of my friends, you know, a really good friend of mine or a couple of good friends of mine. And they would, you know, they they were easy to dismiss, you know, like, hey, man, you know, and I'm like, well, I said, I can't. I'm not just about to write somebody off like that, especially, you know, a brother or sister or something like that, that, you know, I'm not agreeing with. But then they tell me their backstory You know, how, you know, a parent was missing Or they were raised by someone else And, you know, and I see how they got there And it's just different for me You know, I'm like, uh, It's hard. I grew up in a neighborhood that majority homeowners, both parents were in the house or military.

31:21 They were all military communities. So it's different. I don't see, I'm not saying that, I don't want to say this to sound condescending on other people's circumstances growing up. But I'm just glad, you know, that I, you know, that both my parents were in the house because you laid out those statistics at the beginning of the of your podcast about men being, you know, missing men, missing fathers in the home and the statistics behind it, you know, because I can't I can't see that. I can't see it. You know, we're educated.

32:06 You know, I think I'm the only one that has an upper education because my dad, I spent more time with him, and he has upper education. He would take me to his classes when he was, you know, when he retired out of the military. I'd sit in class with him while he pursued his degree. And he inspired me to do mine. my only issue with that he he had a really bad drinking problem and he was a violent drunk, so that was that was what caused turmoil in our household so and you know it caused a lot of animosity between all of us and i didn't truly understand it until you know i joined the military you know because i thought that's me dad why you know why you drink so much you lost everything.

32:53 He's like, this is just what I like to do, you know, but it costs you everything, you know. But then when I joined the military, you know, cause I did ask him, I was like, why don't you find something else to do? You know, he's like, this is legal, you know? And I'm like, okay, you know, but then when I joined the military, you know, all the things that I used to do, I had to stop and I started drinking, you know, cause I said I would never drink looking at him. But then I understood, you know, and I told him, I said, I understand. I don't agree, but, you know, I understand. When it becomes a problem, you know, you need to, you should seek help, you know. But we had a, he was there. I mean, I, this is a really, this is a really touching subject for me because, because of, you know, when he passed away, you know, he, when I went, I had orders to go to Korea.

33:46 I'm going to give you a little back story and try not to break down. You know, his drinking, it was an ongoing thing. So I had orders to go to Korea. And he asked me, can I just stop in Seattle, in Tacoma, and visit him before I went to Korea? And I normally go to San Diego to visit my mom's side of the family. So I'm like, yeah, I can stop in. And so I stopped in and it was a couple of days before, you know, payday. And we had the greatest time I had ever spent with my dad, you know. And then on the first, you know, he kept looking out the window.

34:27 I'm like, what is he looking for? And then it dawned on me he's waiting on the mailman to come so he can get his retirement check and he can start drinking. So and that's exactly what happened. So he started drinking. I'm like, hey, dad, you know, make sure that, you know, I got to get to the airport. And he's like, yeah, you know, I get you to the airport. I can't drive because he had hurt his hip, but his brother was going to give me a ride. So long story short, you know, he's drunk. My uncle's drunk and he won't let my uncle drive me to the airport. So now I'm upset because I got to get to SeaTac. So I ended up getting to SeaTac, but it was it was a fiasco, me getting there. And it all I had animosity with my dad. So when I got overseas, my wife called me and said, hey, Mark, you know, your dad called me and said that he was sorry.

35:10 And da-da-da-da-da, and, you know, he wants you to call him so he can apologize, and by then, you know, 30, 40 years of this happening, I don't want to hear it, you know? So... I get about two or three months go by, and my wife calls me and says, hey, Mark, you know, your dad doesn't sound too good. And I'm like, well, I'll give him a call because we're getting ready to go to the field. And I said, I don't have time right now, but I will call him. No, it's not getting back from the field because I figured, you know, I had kind of simmered down and stuff. So when I got back, I got back on Friday, Saturday morning, I get up and throw my stuff in the washing machine and I grab my phone. And as I grab my phone, my sister calls me and, you know, just casual conversation. We're just talking and all of a sudden she said, well, dad died.

35:51 And I'm like, what did you just say? She's like, yeah, dad died in the middle of just she just threw it on you in the middle of a casual conversation like that because she they haven't they don't understand what I understand. You know, they you know, they don't they don't. It was I had a different experience with my dad than than all of them, because like I said, he would pick me up and just say, hey, let's go here. This because that's what his dad did with him and he always let me know he's like my father took care of me i was the first his first son and you're my first son and whatever i go wherever i do i can do with you i'm what you're going to go with me and i mean he would just pack me up and i mean i had a totally different experience with my father than the rest of my siblings they they never got over the issue with him drinking because there was violence in the house he would beat up upon my mom.

36:44 He was a really mean drunk. And I told him, I said, it bothered me. I resent you for it too, but you should have got help. You should have got help. We talked about this. But then when that transpired, in casual conversation, she just, hey, dad died. And I just, to this day, to this day, I haven't got over, I haven't truly got over not saying, hey dad you know what you know i i forgive you you know it is what it is you know. You know. Hey, Mark, man, you know what? I'm sending you a virtual hug because we're not in the same proximity, man. But I thank you for your transparency. Yes, sir.

37:27 For showing your heart, man. Yes, sir. I appreciate that. Hey, we all have demons. Yes, sir. We have demons. And we don't. Man, listen. I recognize you. Listen. And I was just too proud to say, you know what? You know, he was proud enough to say he was sorry. He was more of a man in that hour. Take your time, my brother. Take your time. This is what we're here for. This is what the kickback is for, for us to have this moment. Listen, man. Listen, you talk about demons. This is a side note, man. This is a side note, but I get it.

38:07 These demons, I have been home. I usually work, and I've been home for the last past six months. I had an accident, flipped a truck. man, these demons have been whooping me. So I understand about demons, man. They got me thinking that I ain't good enough, that I'm not a provider, that I'm not a husband, that I'm not a father, that I'm not all of these things. And my children love me. My children love me, man. So I get it. I understand these demons. And being a father and having a father like you had a father, Father, man, listen, that was a blessing. That's something that I woke up on days and I wished I had my brother.

38:48 That's something I wished I had in my life. So I get it. I understand. Even with the way things happen, we can't control it. We can't control it. But here's the thing. Recognizing and understanding that it could have been better and it could have been different is a first step. Up and it ain't going to get no better, brother. It can only be softer, but it won't get any better. It's going to take some time. It's going to take some healing. And people think that, you know, you're supposed to put a time limit on healing. There's no time limit on grieving. There's no time limit on healing. There's no time limit on trying to figure out how to stop the bleeding, how to stop the hurt.

39:36 It just takes time. It takes time. And as David said, hey, virtual hug, high five, fist bump, whatever. You know what I'm saying? I might stop by and give you a fist bump tomorrow because I'm going to be in your city tomorrow. Yeah, I appreciate it. I mean, I love my dad. I mean, all of his, I don't want to say faults, all the the things that I didn't agree that he did in his life, I loved my dad because my dad loved me. And, you know, I used to love coming around the corner and seeing that big black 1970 Lincoln Continental sitting in the driveway because I knew my dad was home and I would run down the street, you know, to see my dad.

40:23 You know, I wrote him letters. I truly love my dad and he I think he truly loved me. I just wish it's just so hard listening to, you know, your guys stories about your dad's It's missed, you know, not being there for what you needed him to be there. You know, I'm sure it should make you feel proud, my brother. I am. I love my dad, man. And I miss my dad. You know, I really I miss my dad. I still have these conversations, you know, in the shower or, you know, in the room. Hey, dad, you know, I miss you, man. You know, I wish you was here, even, you know, because he he was a great source of, you know, information.

41:08 My dad was, in my opinion, he was the smartest man I knew, But a lot of it was overshadowed because of his drinking You know, you couldn't tell if he was, But as I got older and got wiser And started filtering out the noise I got to know my dad a lot better Mark. Let me drop something in the conversation right quick You know, the one thing that That black men don't have is a straight line connection to mental health issues. I mean, it's out there, but we don't use it. And we we we allow life to use us as a punching bag and we absorb those blows and we bottle it up and we don't.

41:58 Have that automatic go-to to say, hey, I'm full. Let me release some of this so I can release some of the pressure. I think women have their tea parties where they spill the tea and they will go see a primary care provider quicker than we will. And we, like I used the analogy in a previous episode, we're like the Marlboro man. We're sitting out here on a horse in December in the the middle of a in the middle of a blizzard in sub-zero temperature lighten up a Marlboro. And and a lot of times we've been socialized in that setting and you know I didn't have the privilege of knowing your dad but I can say this that this brother came up in the the 40s the 50s the 60s the 70s that brother sacrificed he took things for us to get over he endured things that And we didn't necessarily have to endure.

42:53 So he took punches for us. I agree. Just like just like you love your kids and would do anything for your kids. I'm sure your dad loved you the very same way, even with his flaws. My mother was was an alcoholic and I that's I left home at 17 because I couldn't take it no more. Her and the aunt's father. It was Friday night at the fights every night. I remember when I was 12, I came in from school one day, put the key in the lock, opened the kitchen door, stepped in. and there was a trail of blood leading through the house. I didn't know if it was his, didn't know if it was hers. So I said, let me put my book bag down, follow the trail of blood. There she is in the bathroom, naked and bloody. I roll her into the tub, turn the water on, wash her up, pull her out the tub, drag her and throw her in the bed, cover her up and let her sleep it off. And then I fix myself something to eat.

43:44 With all of their baggage, I have to love them because they endured things that I did not see. And I have to tip my hat to them for being strong enough to not let it take them out. Nobody committed suicide. They stuck it out. They did the best they could with the cards they had. But a lot of times our parents had maybe a pair of trays and maybe a tin. At least I had some face cards. Right, right, right. You know what I'm saying? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, I face cards. But here's the thing. You know, we all have made the best we could with what we have in in the in the lines of being raised without fathers or in your case, David, the antifather.

44:32 Father, we all have made the best that we could make. And as I previously stated, listen, all five of my children love me. All five of my children love me. Let me give you some context on my two bonus children, two of my children. Let me say it like that. All that other stuff is mess. Let me give you context on two of my children. One of my children's father is still alive. One of my children's father died when they were three years old. OK, so it's a boy. He never had a father, never knew a father, never had a father. His father has been gone. His role models were his uncles and they were great, great role models for him.

45:18 Now, my daughter, she never her father's alive and she still to this day does not have a relationship. We have a better relationship than her and her father has. And me, as her mother's husband, I still encourage a relationship with her father because I am not married to my last two children's mom. Mom, and she has a husband, and me and him have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful relationship. And that's how I wanted to be with me and this child's father, but he, I don't know if he's not ready. I don't know if he's not there.

46:03 I don't know what his, you know, what he has going on, but he, you know, I don't know what to say about it. What, what, I don't know. I don't know, No, but like I said, I encourage a relationship with them between the two of them, because I would hope that the man that's married to my ex-wife encourages a relationship with much from his perspective to my children with me. Exactly. Co-parenting. Once again, we need to be that village. We had a strong village back in the 50s and the 60s. No matter how bad the society was treating the community, the village itself was able to absorb some of that and protect the children.

46:53 But today, that village mentality is gone. We're living in the same neighborhood and we're at odds against each other when we should be pulling together in our neighborhood to protect everybody that's of that neighborhood. Mm hmm. Yeah.

47:34 Perspective? What happened to the village? I can say I answer that in my in my opinion, the village was was attacked. It was it was a strategic attack by the government. I would say during the Reagan era, when they started bringing illegal substances into the communities. And setting it up and then victimizing, demonize, demonizing and incarcerating when you when you incarcerate people for an ounce of marijuana and you're locking them up for 20 years and then you turn it into a privatized jail system that people can make profit on. That's what destroyed, in my opinion, the village that a lot of people came out of.

48:17 When you take away the gatekeepers, anybody can come in and pillage the village. Yeah. When you start incarcerating dads, removing fathers from the home, you know, because I agree with you, Dave. I strongly agree with you. When you start removing fathers from the home, you systematically start removing fathers from the home. You have problems in the village because you know that's where you start getting these strong women because they have to they have to make up for what was taken from them so it but it comes it but it came at a high price because now you have these strong women that's like i don't need a man.

49:01 Right you know uh and and now you have this chaos in in the in the black homes because you have That women that want to be, you know, trying to take, I'm an equal opportunity. I don't want a woman that caters to my need. I want a 50-50. I want her to have as much voice, as much conversation that I have, which doesn't go along with a lot of friends that I have. You know, my word's the last word, but I married my wife to be a partner, not to be a servant to my needs. I'm not going to make everything right. You know, and she's not just going to augment each other. Right. Everybody needs somebody to check them in every now and then.

49:45 And the thing is, no one, no one, well, at least me, I don't know, some being, I don't want no slave. I don't want no slave. Because here's my thing. Here's my thing. If, and this is what I've always preached. If I fall and I've been handling everything and if I fall, she don't know how to pay the bills. She don't know how to run the household. She doesn't know how to take care of the business. Of anything. That's so true. Hey, Joe, let me get my brother Rich out there in San Diego, who's a former he's a former He's in San Diego? Yeah, he's in San Diego.

50:33 Yeah, he's in San Diego. He's a retired San Diego police officer. That's why I wanted to bring him back. I wanted to bring him back in and ask him from all of his years of experience on the San Diego police force. He's probably harassing people down there that I know, man. I'm from San Diego I was born and raised in San Diego He said he's probably down there harassing some people that I know That's wrong Rick. My question for you is From your experiences out there in San Diego What is your take on Like you said, the village has been pillaged What did you see in your time in the uniform under the San Diego Police Department?

51:19 What did you see as far as the impact of what was going on with the teens and the young men out there in San Diego, the Southern California region? You know, San Diego is a different kind of city. You know, I grew up in Brooklyn and then we moved out to Long Island, Hempstead, and it was just a different atmosphere. But out here, I mean, being a police officer, I find that I went into homes where the father was there and, you know, concerned citizens. And I really didn't get a take for, you know, I didn't feel a certain type of way about the community I was protecting and serving. You know what I mean?

52:00 So, I mean, you know, when you talk about the village, I think we moved away from the village. I think when we left, like me, I joined the Navy. I was in Naval Intelligence for nine years. I left at 19, but I had to leave. I was going to school and I was working, but my mom resented me because I was like my father. You know, that's the sad part. I was told my whole life growing up that you're not going to be anything but just like your father, you know, and the resentment she had for him, she transferred over to me, you know. So that wasn't a good thing, but I loved my father. So it was like, well, I want to be like him anyway.

52:40 I mean, because I laughed like him, somewhat looked like him. I had his personality, and she resented that. So I had to leave. I was going to school, I was going to college, and working full-time, and 18 credits, and I had to leave the household because she wanted me to leave. She was like, oh, I left when I was 18. I was home, you have to leave. I had to draw my line in the sand and go forward. But I think there, while I was there, in Hempstead, Long Island, which was a black town, which was very cool, one of the best high school, Hempstead High School. But anyway, I think there was a village there. All the neighbors were like parents. So if you were messing up, that parent would see you on the block and then shake you by the hand and take you to your parent or scold you just like your parent would. And that was the village.

53:30 It was the village of Hempstead, really. And I felt that. I felt like every parent in the neighborhood was my parent. You know what I mean? So I love that feeling, and I hate that the village has left. But I think we left the village. I think we moved on. I think things changed. You know, I mean, all the things that, Dave, you made and the dude, you know, you guys are on point. I think it's all part of that. I think it's a piece of why the village isn't what the village used to be. I think it's all in the play. Was it the government? You know, women have decided they don't need a man, you know, whatever. And they're self-reliant, which is good for a woman to be self-reliant, you know.

54:13 But I think different pieces of that, we left that village, you know, and so there's all these different factors. Factor, but I find that, you know, San Diego is a tourist community, you know, so where I worked was on the waterfront, and, you know, I didn't go into a lot of homes, actually, in the outskirts or the suburbs, you know, I was germane down to the waterfront area, so the airport and hotels and that kind of thing. A few homes, but not... This is Valley. Not as fun. All right. Right. So here we have a few comments in the text, if you guys can't see it.

54:54 But Bubba J says, but what do you expect when you let the government run your household? And then the other comment we have is the gentleman. I can't pronounce his name. He's from another country. But thank you. We have a listener from Russia in the house with us, and he is also he is also communicating with us. So shout outs to the international family. But he says, I think we forgot. Well, he's right. So I think we forgot our roots. So this is the problem with the village. OK, Henry, he says his name is Henry. So call him Henry. Cool.

55:36 Thank you, Henry, for being a part of the kickback. I'm your host, the dude. And Bubba J also comes back and says now welfare and the Internet, that's what's taking over the households. What do you guys think about that? Welfare and the internet. Wow. That's a serious, those are two serious bookends right there. Yeah, yeah. I don't see the correlation, but. I do. I think I do. The welfare, we don't, I love my mom for this. My mom, you know, my dad, while he was out drinking, you know, he wasn't taking care of some of the financial responsibilities.

56:21 So my mom, you know, she we were we needed we needed help, you know, and but she could have easily sat back and said, you know, hey, I'm just going to, you know, I'm just going to draw a welfare check. But she didn't. She she went to work and whatever they whatever they she made at her job, they took from her, you know, because that's how it works. That's why you hear a lot of people, a lot of a lot of people said, hey, I'd rather stay at home. I can make more money at home than going to work. And I do think That mentality. Stifled a lot of Black families We don't need to work If the government is giving us money I still see that today, That's an interesting point And the internet You have You have An expanded reach And not have to go anywhere, You know, you can sit behind your computer and do just about everything.

57:22 Hey, that's what I say. These, these, I call, they're called smartphones, but I call them dumb boxes because they made us dumb as fuck. And it's made us lazy as hell. Oh my goodness. It has. It's made us dumb as fucking lazy as hell. And excuse my French, but that you, I get the correlation between welfare and the internet. Because as you said, you can set it home. We've become a society to where we can sit at home and order our groceries. When our parents, our mothers, our mothers, our grandmothers, they took pride in going to the store and picking out their collard greens and picking out their turnip greens and picking out that boil of meat and picking out those pork chops and those chickens that they were going to feed us.

58:10 So now you can get someone to go to the grocery store and pick up all those things for you. If you need shoes, someone will deliver shoes. If you need clothes, someone will deliver your clothes. Now it's even got to the fact that you don't even have to go to a car dealership anymore. Bring it right to your house. Bring it right to your driveway. Yeah. Right to your driveway. So that's the coalition of welfare and Internet. Internet because even and here's the killer part that kills me, that kills me. The government is giving away Internet to poor and disenfranchised people. The government's giving away this.

58:51 But you got Internet, but you ain't got no phone service. Somebody takes you. Oh, I'm on Wi-Fi. But you got Internet, but you can't afford to pay your phone service. Make that make sense, because you're sitting at home on a government subsidized program and they're giving you free Internet because you claim you don't have any Internet coming in. So you're getting free government Internet and you're getting welfare from the government subsidized home, subsidized daycare, whatever you want to call it. Not to say that those programs are bad, because I know for a fact in my life, my mother used those programs to walk us from the projects to a rental home to her buying her own home.

59:39 And I don't know how this happened, but this woman that I'm married to now, she did the same thing. She used the program for what it was made for and what it was worth to better herself. sell. But see, that's the crux of the matter. That's the key linchpin is that it's a hand, it's supposed to be a hand up, not a hand out. But too many people allow themselves to become trapped in the system. They get comfortable with it and they start to live within the box of a new form of slavery. But you're meant to use it as a springboard for launching or a launching pad for a different destination, but many people never launch. They fail to launch. They stay right there.

1:00:22 Because there's no incentive for them to do otherwise, in my opinion. It's called self-motivation. If you have no self-motivation, and that's what I loved about my mom, is that self-pride. My parents didn't really want a handout from the government. They just wanted an opportunity to get ahead Right And now it's more we want the government to do for us My parents wanted the government to move out the way, The only thing I wanted from the government back in the day was that peanut butter and that gum and cheese. That's all I wanted.

1:01:04 Hey, man, my brother. Hey, man, that was the best cheese in the world. Best macaroni and cheese you could ever get. That gum and cheese, though. Best grilled cheese in the world. Yes, sir. Best grilled cheese in the world, man. So check it out. Check it out. In the comment section, Bubba J again, and shout out to Bubba J. And Henry for staying with us during the whole show. But Bubba J says, remember, back in the day when your parents told you, don't get into the car with strangers, and now we have strangers coming to our house, picking us up. Bubba J, what you say? You ain't said nothing but a word right there, my brother.

1:01:46 That's the truth. Yeah. Yeah. And that is true. It is true about the kids needing to have the Internet to do homework. and homework is taking on a whole nother meaning, man. I remember, I mean, when I was a kid, they used to load me up on Fridays with homework. I had homework all weekend. I'm working on projects all weekend to drag in on Monday morning. Now these kids don't even get homework on Fridays. They come home Monday through Thursday, they do something on the computer and then they got a three-day weekend. I can remember we had homework every day, every day. You see it? Every day you You had homework because you took that test on Friday. And if you didn't, if you didn't get the answers to that test right, then that means you had to study on the weekends to take the retest.

1:02:34 You understand what I'm saying? You had to take the retest. You're right, Bubba J. We had books. We had books. And Bubba J., like I said, shouts out again. He says they wanted, back then they wanted a leg up, not a hand down. And that I think that sums it up in a difference we wanted the government to get out of the way move move get out of our business now it's you want a handout everybody's got their handout everybody wants something from the government what about getting it for yourself and on that that goes along with the village you know you might have been working at the post office and then your friend got on at the post office and then another friend got on the post office and And everybody will make it at the post office.

1:03:21 But you did your best to get everybody you knew a job to make sure that their household was taken care of. Does that still exist anymore? Do we still help each other out like that? Question. I feel surprised there's crabs in the bucket. You know, we don't want to see each other excel. You know, we have this hidden animosity. Well, I don't. I share all the information that I have to anyone that wants it, you know, because I want us to succeed, you know, as a group, as a race, as a group of people, you know, as humanity.

1:04:01 You know, I want to share what I know I've been called selfish by certain people, What I know Because sometimes people don't want to hear it They want the easy way, They don't want to have to work hard Or put the work in I don't want to say work hard They don't want to put the work in For what they think they deserve. So, yeah Hey, Henry put a comment in here He said, I was raised without a father. I knew him. He visited me. Maybe he was a good man. So thank you. Thank you for that comment, Henry.

1:04:42 If this conversation has helped change your impression or open up your your your thoughts about your relationship. I thank you for being a part of the kickback. Hey, that's what we're here for, my man. That's what we're here for. And so on facts, I got a couple more facts about fathers being in the home. And it says on a broader scale, active fathers can contribute to a healthier family dynamics and more give a better idea of what gender roles are supposed to look like. Like when fathers are present and engaging can also help down the help, break down the traditional stereotypes and promote a more balanced view of both parents and careers and relationships when it comes to the household.

1:05:37 What do you guys think about that? Oh, most definitely. Most definitely. Yeah. Totally agree. Because, I mean, like it says, it breaks. Active father contributes to a healthier family dynamic and and help show the gender roles. Because if you grow up in a single parent home with just your mom, then I don't think you in gender roles ain't just something that that's always got to be discussed. us. But in life, there are gender roles. And I think if you have not had had have seen gender roles, then I don't think you understand it.

1:06:19 I don't think you understand it the way that you should understand it. And it kind of it is thrown a loop in today's society, because if you look at today's society and what's going on with the world and what they're trying to throw on us at this moment. And I'm just going to leave it at that. And if we're all wrong, we can understand and know what I'm talking about, what they're trying to throw on us. I feel like it's like population control because us two can't do nothing and them two can't do nothing to repopulate this It's worry. You understand what I'm saying? You know, most definitely.

1:07:00 And when the thing that gets me is these young ladies out here today, these these these 10 to 18 year old group. I'm going to put them to get that eight year group right there when they don't have a father in the home to teach them what a real man is like. They go out into the world every day and they accept whatever comes their way. So I see a young couple walking down the street and I see the young ladies on the outside to the street. The young man's on the inside. And I'm like, because he was never taught. Neither one of them were never taught. I see the young ladies opening the door for the young men to walk through. What is he, a rapper? I mean, come on, be for real. What else, you see these young people I guess they're on a date they're sitting at the table across from each other but both of them is tapping away on their phone and they're not engaging each other in eyes they're not, conversating they're sitting there sending each other text messages you can do that from 20 miles apart you're right in this woman's face but these kids they don't know how to rap they don't know how to a maca woman all they know how to do is yeah they don't know how to court all they know how to do.

1:08:10 Tap some emojis on a phone and they're sitting there giggling at the phone they're not even giggling in each other's face so society is just it's been gone to a whole nother level of stupid in my opinion no i get frustrated with it and i just have to throw my hands up and say hey you know what all i can do is teach mine now if we go back and do is teach mine right now if we go back through the comments, what did Bubba J say? Welfare and the internet, that's what's taking over the house. Now, in reference to what you just said, what did you just say? A young man and a young lady goes out on a date. They're setting out a table with each other, but they're not looking at each other in the eyes. They're not holding hands. He's not smooching her.

1:08:57 She's not moogly-eyed. She's not Now she's in that, you know, showing that red in her face where she's blushing. He's not trying to throw his best Mac lines at her. They both got their heads down and they're in the screen and they're tapping and they're swiping and they're tapping and they're swiping. A non-emotional connection. That's an oxymoron. Yes. It's anti-social entertainment, you know? Anti-social. Entertainment. Are we trying to compare? Are we trying to compare? I'm going to be the devil's advocate for a second. Go ahead. I love it. I love it.

1:09:39 Are we trying to compare, you know, how our generation is to, you know, to their generation? Because there's really no comparison because we only had one phone in the house, you know, and now everybody has a phone. This is their world. This is what we, I find it hard to compare, you know, I loved our generation. I think our generation was, you know, one of the greatest generations. But the new generation is not ours. They have things that we didn't have. You know, we were in books. I've seen the comments say we had books. You know, I remember, you know, doing my homework and, you know, going through books. I got encyclopedias, you know, but this is not, this is not their world.

1:10:21 And we gave, you know, our generation is the one that gave them these tools and now we're mad because they're using them. Right, right, right. But at the same hand, you're right. I think all of us had the encyclopedia. It's a household issue. It's a household issue. You have to have some sort of boundaries and you have to have some teachings for your children. When you sit down at my dinner table, put that thing down. Put that down. Put it down. We're going to have conversation. And when you teach your kids that those forms of entertainment is not my children.

1:11:02 Well, then let's play Uno. Then let's play the game of life. Let's do something Let's do something else besides look at a video. Let's do something else besides tap on a screen. Let's do something. Just dumbing ourselves down. But like I said, you know, this is what we did. You know, I remember having matchbox, not my, the popsicle stick races in the rain, you know, in the gutter. I put my popsicle stick in the rain, you know, just, you know, stuff like that. We're outside playing football, basketball on the street, you know, like, you know, but you can't get kids out to health because. I ate mud and drank from a water hose. What did I?

1:11:43 I ate mud and I had the original Tonka truck set the metal ones that would give you that would damn near give you hepatitis if you scratch yourself with it because it had lead paint on it, well I can I take you back even further there Joe because I drank from a pump that you had to prime yourself and bring that well water up. Yeah you got me on that one my brother you got me on that one that was some cold sweet water coming up out the ground i was gonna say coming up out the earth yes sir yeah yes in the comments we have bubba jay he says my father was in the military i didn't see him much as i should and when i was a kid i had some animosity, but now we have a great relationship.

1:12:39 Oh, that's good. That's right. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Right. Right. So do you think as men that the relationship between a child and a father can be rekindled and who has to make the first step? You know, I think yes. I like that question. I think yes, because I think it, from my experience, I had to understand why my dad was gone. You know, he's gone to make a living. You know, he's, you know, sometimes because I found myself in that, in that scenario as well, because my kids, you know, to this day, they're like that, you know, my kids love me. I'm like you there, Joe.

1:13:27 My kids love me, you know, and I was worried that they didn't because, you know, I was going a lot. But, you know, I didn't, when I came back, I was so much into their life. But I think they need to know why you did it. I think at a certain age, you need to start explaining to your kids why some of these decisions were made. If they didn't agree with them, then, you know, hey, this is the best information I have. These are the conversations I had with dad. I really didn't understand that. And I explained to him. Because I think at a certain age that they do deserve an explanation why these decisions were made. You know, because a lot of times they think, they don't see it as you're, they see it as you're hurting them versus you're doing what you think is best for them.

1:14:15 Most of the time they think you've abandoned them. You know, but, you know, hey, I had to go out there, you know, I'm in the field for 45 days or, you know, I'm on deployment for six months or a year, you know, and, you know, you know, this is this is so we can we can eat, you know, we can I can provide because we as men, we have this provider mindset. You know, we don't really know how to show love or our love is shown by I put a roof over your head, food in your stomach, you know, and sometimes they need more than that. You know, and you have to Sometimes I think you need to acknowledge that And explain to them, you know Hey, you know, and let them understand, Because a lot of these things that we Know as adults They will know when they go through the same Thing, but at that moment You know, they're only looking out for What they feel that they're missing out on.

1:15:08 Very true And we all tend to, Compartmentalize certain emotions And feelings And if this is how you made me feel in this moment and I hold on to those feelings, then that's that's who you are. And that's my feelings towards you. And that's always going to be my feelings towards you. But things change. Situations change. People change. But one thing I always say about people is we are so bad at holding people in the moment where they hurt us. Mm hmm. We hold people in the moments where they hurt us.

1:15:50 If you was drinking and you hurt somebody, all they know is you're an alcoholic and you're going to hurt me. If you're whatever in your life, liar, a cheater, a thief, whatever you were in that moment where you hurt someone, then they're always going to remember you in that place. And it's hard for people to distinguish the difference between your growth and where you were. So it's hard. But with work, time and God, all of that can change. But you, the person that hurt that person, can't change the way they see you.

1:16:32 You can only show them different and better. And they have to make the decision that, hey, maybe that was just a moment in time. Maybe that was what they were going through in their lives in order to get to the place where they are right now, because God, the word testimony is at the beginning. It's test. So we all have to go through some sort of test in order to have a testimony.

1:17:32 Mm hmm. Up to date intel. And we'll pull a trigger or launch an emotional bomb based on improper data. And that just hurts the situation even more. And the reason I say that is because. After meeting my father as a as an early teenager and I started going back to the city each summer, spending less time with my mother's people and more time with him and learning my other side of the family. About 12 years ago, 12 to 14 years ago by and he was pressing me on an issue and the issue was out of all of out of most of his kids, most of his kids had the same last name.

1:18:12 I was one of the ones that did not have the Jordan last name. He was pressing me as to why I wasn't more forward in changing my name to be Jordan. And so I kind of, you know, I asked him, you know, leave that situation alone and he wouldn't leave it alone. And we had some harsh words about that issue, but it made me realize, you know, some years after that, it made me realize that I had to see him for who he was from where he came And what he was taught by his oldest sister, by his oldest brothers and by the people in the neighborhood, people on the block in the generation in which he grew up with. Right.

1:18:53 The people that was in front of him, that was his. I was I had judged him. I had judged him based on my level of intelligence and not on the intel that he was working with. And we was as far apart as night and day. And so years later, I had to come back and apologize to him for that situation because I should have engaged him in conversation instead of judging him. True, but that's human nature. Rich, what is your thoughts on the question that I asked? I was just right now was ruminating on what David was saying, my brother, you know, his aspect of that. You know, I think you can rekindle that relationship.

1:19:40 I think once you clear the air, just like Davis, we went back to him, apologize for the way he acted towards our father. You know, our father would tell me when he was with me saying, you know, I don't know why Dave resents him so much. You know, I love him. He's my son. Just like I love you. But he resents me. There's no getting around that. That was a struggle for him. He struggled with that. You know what I mean? Rick, I never knew that. You didn't? I had no idea. I never knew that. I'm just hearing this now for the first time. Yeah. He struggled with it. Wow. Three threes. He knew he had to love. Like, I love my father. And I will say he was flawed.

1:20:23 But he was a good man to me that went to work every day, the same job for decades. You know what I mean? There's a certain responsibility on the mother in a situation like that, when you have a situation like Dave and me, and we have other siblings all around the same age, you know, there's the mothers can poison the well. Amen, yes sir. If the well is poisoned, and it's constantly that toxic attitude is out there, it affects everybody involved, but Dave like I said he loved you and he he couldn't understand why you resented him so much because you know we called him daddy but you didn't call him daddy you called him Richard, because that's how you felt you know there was a disconnect but I think as you matured you understood him somewhat a little bit better that he wasn't educated well or had the right stimulus to become that father that you kind of wanted him to be or needed him to be, you know?

1:21:29 And I realized that I had that kid's love for my father, our father. And then, you know, as I got older, I realized I saw his flaws more, more, you know? And, but you know, he's still my father, you know, I never disrespected him. Did he, did he do all the right things? No, but, but, He showed up for me when I needed him sometimes. Like when I graduated high school, he made the effort, left Brooklyn, came all out to Long Island, and made it to my graduation that day. So I had my stepfather, my father, and my mother at my graduation. But he came through for me for that day. A lot of times he wasn't there. He didn't come through. That particular thing stays in my mind, that he made it to my graduation. So, listen, I just got off the track. Well, I'm just saying, I think you can, through communication, rekindle those relationships between sons and fathers you know, kids and fathers, that can't happen, you just have to, have honest communication and be humble about it, you know what I mean cut the attitudes, let bygones be bygones and then you can start at a certain, a basic level and go from there if you allow yourself to do that.

1:22:37 Yeah, most definitely Great information, that is That is that's wonderful. And I don't think a lot of men understand that their relationships with their children can be rekindled or they're like you said, like what was said. There are a lot of women out here that are poisoning their children's minds because they're bitter, because whatever relationship that the mother and the father had went sour. And so, being that women, being emotional beings. They try to turn their children sour or against the father, not knowing that that child needs that love, that attention, that emotional being that the father is.

1:23:30 And it just hurts the child in the long run. But hopefully that father can come back and try to rekindle at some point. It's a lot, fellas. And just hearing the stories and knowing that I'm not alone and that I'm not the only one that dealt with those thoughts and those emotions and those feelings is wonderful. The kickback, today's conversation is the reason why I'm doing this because I have issues. I have problems and I need some brothers, some men that have some issues and some problems to come together and have conversations like this and be able to try to find some common ground.

1:24:23 And on the other side of that, if we can help one young brother that's going through something see a different light, it would be amazing. I don't know what everybody's religious belief is, and it really doesn't matter what you believe in, but the ultimate goal is to save souls. That's the ultimate goal is to save souls, whether it's to save them from drinking, alcohol, a life of crime, save them from themselves. However you look at it, you're saving a soul. You're saving a soul. And if one comment or one kind gesture can help somebody, then you've done a lot.

1:25:07 And here's the thing. I appreciate everybody. I love everybody. If I could, I'd give everybody a fist bump and a hug because we all need some fist bumps and a hug. And maybe if you drank a bit, drink you a bit. Because today was a wonderful day. If you drank sweet tea, drink your tea. If you're drinking some water, drink some water. But turn up something. Turn up something and pat yourself on the back for being open and honest. Because there are not a lot of places in this world where brothers can be open and honest and have real conversations about what's hurting them and not be judged.

1:25:53 Because this world society has said that a man has to be certain things. But let me give you all an interesting fact that nobody really cares about. I'm an O positive so everybody that's listening to my voice I can give you blood I don't care what color you are I don't care where you at in the world I don't care what you got going on We all bleed the same Amen, We all bleed the same blood We all bleed the same blood And if you tell me you don't bleed the same blood Then take me to your planet and let me see what the women look like What you said?

1:26:38 Because if you don't bleed the same blood as I do, take me to your planet and let me see what the women look like. All right. Now, you're not just getting international. You get interplanetary. Interplanetary, baby. OK, so here's we're about to end the show. We're at the end of it. And I just have one more great fact to spew out at the end of the show. It says here we go. Overall, the presence of a father can foster a more supportive environment that benefits men as they never navigate through personal and professional affairs, life relationships.

1:27:22 Having a father fosters more of a supported environment that benefits men as they navigate through professional and personal relationships. I most definitely agree with that 100%. If you see a young brother out here that need a little guidance, go get that brother and say, hey, what you need, my brother? How can I help you? Because he needs some guidance. And hopefully that he'll be open to accepting some guidance a lot of times you you might want to reach out but you know for whatever reason they might not you know they might think they don't need your help but you know you just gotta throw it out there and if they take it great you making a new friend you might have influenced somebody and if they don't hey you just gotta shake you shake the dust off your sandals and keep it moving keep it moving because there's another one down the street waiting for you amen there's another one down the street waiting that That one may not be ready to accept whatever it is you're offering, but there's one down the street waiting for you. Right. Exactly.

1:28:29 My brothers, this has been amazing. When I say amazing, this has been amazing. And I love all y'all. I love everybody. And I appreciate. Thank you, David. Thank you. I appreciate you all coming on the show. And I would like to extend an invitation for you all to come back on another show, because this has got to be a place where we can bring in brothers and have these open conversations about what's going on with them. Because if we don't know what's going on with you, we don't know how to help you. Or support. There you go. Or support. David, you've lived a different life than I have. Mark, you've lived a different life than I have.

1:29:15 Rich, you've lived a different life than I have. And you brothers may have something that will help me. All right. Well, thank you for inviting me. I appreciate it. You're welcome, sir. Mark, you know you're my man. I appreciate that. Much love. Much love. David, what you got to say to the people? Peace of hair. Yeah No I'm not going to do that one this week. I just say, you know, if we could have a similar mindset, if we we got so much going on in the world today that's so divisive.

1:29:55 And I know Mark can really get with this statement. For me, I put it like this. When I was on the ship underway, I was stationed with a guy that was a Confederate flag toting, char chewing, Marlboro smoking, Republican to the bone, opposite of everything that I was trying to be. and I had to birth with this guy. This guy slept underneath me and he did not like to wash. And he was the cook. He was the ship's cook, the main cook. Man, this dude. Oh man, I wouldn't eat his food. But that's another story. But I know he hated my guts and I didn't care too much for him, especially when we was docked at the dock side and when we was on land.

1:30:39 Man, we could throw blows on each other. But I tell you what, when that ship gets underway. There's a whole new perspective Because now if you hit something below the waterline and your ship's taking on water, everybody's every sailor is pulling to with the plugging and patching team. Hey, we're making this thing happen because we got to keep the ship afloat. Mark was was down, downrange out in the sandbox over there in the Middle East. And the brother's got his own testimony. I'm not trying to share it, but I know he's seen some things and experienced some things. And you know what? You might be blue and I might be red. But when we're in the thick of things and you're seeing body parts, all of that facade gets torn down because now we see what is truly real. We got to survive.

1:31:25 Captain Survive. That's it. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. Another note before we leave. I want to say that, you know, I have like four born as children that are actually adults down there in their own home or whatever. But I mean, as the gentleman here, the brothers here that actually have kids, when the kids bring their friends over and you know that that friend does not have a father in the home, try and reach out to him. I take every child under my wing I take every child under my wing But I'm saying If you reach out to them You may be a source of advice, That could possibly help them Make them feel comfortable coming to you Because you know Your children bring their friends over So they know they got a father That that friend has a father that's a resource, That could be helpful Give them good advice That could go a wrong way Man that could save somebody's life It could Exactly.

1:32:25 That's a tool. Yes, sir. Again, like I said, this has been a wonderful show. This is the dude, a.k.a. Mr. Joe. This is the kickback. And I'd like to thank all of our listeners and everyone that's been in the comments. Henry, Samuel, Bubba J. Hey, I'd love to thank you all for coming along with the ride for us. This is another episode of the kickback. We'll see you guys next week On the next episode of the kickback Thanks everyone for being here We're out Have a blessed evening Alright, peace.